What Pain In Relationships Can Teach Us
First of all, it doesn’t matter if we talk here about the relationship between you and your partner or your family. It is so important and can be helpful to see relationships with friends and family as romantic relationships. This helps to set boundaries and to stay firm in them. Would you let it slide if someone you date treats you like a second choice and cancel dates or reschedule them often? No! Then don‘t accept this behavior with friends either.
Not only romantic partners are mirrors, but friends and acquaintances are too, and therefore, they give us opportunities to learn and evolve. So, if you get triggered by a certain behavior, pause before you react, count down from 5 to 0 if this helps (to get centered), zoom out of the situation to get a broader overview of what is going on and not project any anger - which is often unprocessed pain outwards. Within this pause which can be just a few seconds, you created the potential for transformation and thus to respond from seeing yourself as someone with high self-worth who is respected and connected versus reacting from the old false identity that is wounded and doesn‘t feel good enough. I remember when I dropped everything for my ex-bestie. Behind it was partly codependency and partly a search for external validation - which my ego loved because I was always there and helpful. A big part of my identity was made of „the helper, the hobby therapist“ and ngl, deep down it felt good to be needed.
However, the only way to break free from old disempowering identities with their stories is to rise above them and to respond from your true self aka self-love, confidence, wholeness, etc. And it doesn’t matter how much trauma you had, you have total permission to step into your power and these wounds can heal alongside. Because when you don‘t respect yourself and act from a place of deservingness, the world as the Divine Mirror has no choice but to reflect that to you until you realize that you can change the reflection by seeing yourself through a different pair of glasses. I believe that taking care of yourself AND standing up for yourself helps the healing process immensely. By standing up for yourself I don’t mean to be led by anger and project it onto the other person, it is more standing firm in your boundaries and communicating them.
The next time you feel triggered by a certain behavior of a person or what they say, turn inwards, leave the situation alone, and focus on what you feel vs. what you see. It can help to put your hand on your heart and ask yourself: “What am I feeling?” “How does this make me feel?” “Where in my body am I feeling this?” “What do I need right now?”. By doing so, you start to reparent yourself, to be your best friend, your best lover (btw, I believe the message of BIBI’s same-named song is exactly about that ☺). I also wholeheartedly believe that all kinds of relationships we experience over the course of this lifetime are here for us to learn and discover more about ourselves. Not only the human character but us as the shared consciousness through which all of us are connected. If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, please do anything to keep yourself safe and leave if needed. This might hurt at first but you can gain so much strength from it and learn to build a solid foundation within yourself that allows healthy and respectful relationships to bloom.
The reason why my content and offered guidance are centered on the relationship with oneself is because it is the core of everything. Since we know the physical world is a mirror and just the surface of what reality truly is, it makes sense to then focus on the relationship with yourself first. By discovering what you thought you needed from “another”, you can learn how to give that to yourself.
Let’s say you want a specific person - still one of the hot topics in the manifestation community. Ask yourself why you want them. Is it because you want to feel complete? Is it because you want to feel accepted and validated? Is it because you crave attention and just want to feel loved? Give these qualities to yourself because you carry them within you. Someone might give you a taste of that but this source is inauthentic and not sustainable. When you give to yourself what you seek, you no longer need it from another person and finally realize you always have been what you desire. Because when you break down every desire to the core, you are left with certain feelings and qualities. And since you know how these things feel, hence why you want them is because you carry them within you.
You always have been what you desire, you just couldn’t see it before since it was clouded through the false illusions and stories your ego was telling you and you accepted them as true. But that is not a problem, we came here into this human experience to learn that.
Don’t confuse this with the need to have the perfect relationship with yourself first before starting a relationship or to manifest fulfilling friendships in your life. You can have that right now and you can learn to deepen the relationship with yourself while experiencing all of the different kinds of relationships in your life. Just keep in mind that everyone you encounter is always reflecting something to you. If it is something that you don’t like, follow these steps written above and observe the situation while keeping at the back of your head that underneath the ego mask of everyone is their true self - pure consciousness and therefore there is a part of you too.
You are neither your trauma nor your wounds. You can have wounds without forming an identity around them and heal while living your dreams. Healing is not about fixing something, it is about letting go of what you are NOT, e.g. broken, not enough, {insert reason your mind is telling you}.
